14,000,000 chargers...just in case

I read today that Nokia are recalling 14 million phone chargers, I think that's roughly 10 times the number we have in the back of cupboards and stuffed into the junk drawer in the office.

How did they all get there? Do they breed in there or what?
Why can I never find one to fit the current model when it's bleeping at me and using up the last of the charge in it's battery?

(How much longer would the charge last if it didn't keep on bleeping?)

Why do we keep these things? Is it just my family that keeps odd things - just in case? We've drawers full of leads to connect various electronic items together; speaker leads, chargers, five different types of USB cable, two coiled leads that I have no idea what they do. (Can you connect a Philishave to a printer? If yes - why?)

The tool drawer is worse, it's full of tools that look very interesting, but serve no purpose, things for removing spark-plugs from horses hooves. Allen keys for Ikea furniture that we keep just in case we don't get one with the next flat pack "snod" we buy. (Why does Ikea furniture all sound like it comes from the land of Bagpuss?)

My favourite - keep just in case - item is the stud removal tool I made at college. I never saw anyone use one when I was in engineering, I've never heard of anyone lamenting the lack of one whilst caught up in some DIY disaster - but we are keeping it in the tool drawer just in case...

Uninspired paradoxes

I read somewhere that creativity is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration, so feeling somewhat uninspired I decided to apply the logic. After forty minutes of hard exercise, whilst wearing two sweatshirts and with the central heating on full blast I am now soaked in sweat, and breathlessly hoping for that 1% of inspiration to miraculously appear.

So far my wait is in vain.

I press on, determined to write a piece for this flippin' blog, having decided that maybe the 1% will show up when I'm least expecting it. It's principle that I am well used to working with trains and buses - they never turn up when expected, and then just when you have given up hoping...they arrive.

Plainly somewhere deep inside I must be expecting inspiration to show up, as so far it has not. Don't you just hate it when a paradox lets you down?

At last! Inspiration has arrived!! Alas too late...... as it's now time for me to go!

Internet Explorer Tips

• Don't use IE!
• If you must use IE only do so when your PC is turned off
• If you must use IE whilst your PC is on, don't.**
  
  **You can ignore this advice if you are running an advanced operating system like
  Linux-Tiger-Vista stable final Beta, Alpha 2.00000446.

(If you believe you are using the aforementioned OS then running IE is the least of your problems.)

'Twas the eve before the eve before Christmas eve

Families warned of dangers of exploding gravy - what a great headline! Which started me thinking what public service, health and safety guidance could I contribute to the Christmas festivities? The more I think about it the more I realise that the Yuletide season is fraught with all manner of physical and social dangers:

• Christmas stockings - if not washed before use bring the danger of athletes foot and veruca's.
• PTSD - Present (Tie\Sock) Disappointment - you wanted an iPhone but got an eyesore in the shape of a lurid tie and sock set!
• Envelope licker's tongue, which can be linked with the ever painful paper cut lip
  
• Christmas card writers block
• Gift wrappers cramp\Bow tie'rs bunion
  
• Nut crackers thumb OR if attempted after excessive Christmas tipple nutcrackers nipple!
  
• Flambé pudding eyebrow singe
  
• The hidden danger of an allergic reaction to nuts thoughtlessly concealed in a bag of nuts!
• Mistletoe lurkers neck
• Sale shoppers remorse
• Holiday advert overdose
• Cracker pullers whiplash
• Queens speech catalepsy

I could go on but for fear of causing panic I will keep the list short, suffice to say Christmas is dangerous, how any of us ever survive it is a miracle, and after all isn't that what Christmas is all about?

Saving dummy Annie

First aid training today! So there I am pounding away on the naked chest of a woman one minute, the next I have my lips wrapped around hers whilst I blow gently to make her chest rise and fall. Considering Annie is made of plastic, this makes me feel like I'm writing an ad for one of those dodgy blow up dummies they advertise in the "personal" columns.

Such courses are a great leveller of people. It's hard to be superior whilst being manhandled into the recovery position, having your head bandaged, arms placed in slings and kissing dummies!

The worst bit of such courses is the face that they keep on changing the standards for various things, one time we did five compressions to two breaths, then 15 compressions to two breaths, now it's 30 compressions! I'd make a joke about inflation, but the alert one's amongst you will have noticed that the inflations stayed at two, whilst compressions went up.

Well must go it's time to practice my abdominal thrusts!

Today

I'm watching telly as I write this, well half watching half writing, you know what I mean. It's been a funny kind of day, got up a bit later than usual, and did some bits and pieces of my accounts, had breakfast, then wrote some emails. - Nothing funny so far...I know what you are thinking.

Later I went to see the nice people at 'Crossroads' (The charity not the 70's soap) that I will be working with soon. They were very nice made me feel welcome and very much at home. - still nothing laughable eh?..... Actually I've decided that it wasn't a funny day after all, just a bit different to normal.

Actually the more I think about today the more I see that actually it's been a perfectly normal day. So, I'm sorry I miss-led you before, honestly it was less of a lie, more of a did-not-think
-before-typing moment. (You may have noticed I have a lot of those.)

I have to do some training for me new job next week, it's the start of a series of training sessions to equip me for my new role. One of the days we have to take our washing and teeth cleaning gear...sounds like we are stopping overnight, but actually I guess it's so we can practice washing and cleaning each others teeth...Can't wait it's bound to be embarrassing in a kind of hilarious way. (Must make a mental note to get new face cloth and toothbrush, as the tatty one's I have now are not for public display - I do have some standards you know!)

So what can I write about my ordinary day? Nothing you'd like to read, so I''ll go now! Is that OK?

Frankenstone

On behalf of my hard working and dedicated team, and myself, I am pleased to announce a major breakthrough in the world of science. After many years of hard work, painstaking research, and many, many set-backs, we have finally achieved our aim. We would like to present to you the world's first GM stone.

'Rockus lumpus grittas' is the outcome of pioneering hybrid technology. This rock contains the core code characteristics of granite and a tomato. The 'tomanite' or 'granto' (take-your-pick) offers the best of both worlds.

People who need a robust fruit that won't bruise or burst will enjoy the general all round toughness of this fruit, whilst stonemasons will appreciate the ability to grow their own stocks of bright red rocks, suitable for sun drying.

The development team would however like to point out, that, as with many cutting edge developments, it's too early to say if this new product is commercially viable or safe for consumption. We'd also like to point out that the fruit may cause damage to teeth if bitten into and may cause rapid weight gain if consumed in large numbers. (Team members reportedly gained a stone in carefully controlled laboratory tests.)